What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 06:43
This is soul school!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What movies have not aged well?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But, we were locked up after school.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Would this be the day?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Is there anything you did that you regret? If so, what is it, and why?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What is the difference between anxiety and depressive neurosis?
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Have you ever witnessed a remote beach show where hundreds of turtles crawling to the water?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
New COVID variant linked to painful ‘razor blade throat’ symptom - San Francisco Chronicle
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
But it wasn’t much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What would have happened if Shin was a good movie instead of a bad one?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She loved him until the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot live in the past .
It was going to be , some day.
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were not on the streets..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We all went to grammer schools
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!